Sneaky Drinking

WHEN SETTLING DOWN FOR A RELAXING EVENING WITH YOUR FAVORITE ADULT BEVERAGE AND TRUSTY COMPANION, BE SURE TO CHECK YOUR SURROUNDINGS PRIOR TO INTOXICATION. THERE IS NOTHING MORE ANNOYING THAN BEING DISTURBED DURING YOUR BLITZFUL ENDEAVOR THAN BEING TOLD YOU ARE IN AN UNWANTED AREA AND ASKED TO REMOVE YOURSELF... OR WORSE, YOUR ENJOYMENT IS RUDELY INTERUPTED BE THE LOCAL AUTHORITY OF LAW. YOU MAY END UP TRADING YOUR CEMENTED OPEN AIR SEAT CUSHION FOR ONE THAT IS MORE COLD AND CONFINED WITH METAL BARS ENCASING YOUR ATMOSPHERE!

WE'VE ALL HAD A LITTLE TOO MANY NOW AND THEN. BUT WHAT THE HELL, IT SURE BEATS LISTENING TO YOUR LADY FRIEND BITCH AND MOAN ABOUT BEING FAT AND CRAP LIKE THAT! BESIDES, FOR MOST OF YOU SAPS, THAT NAG WILL STILL BE THERE WHEN YOU WAKE UP THE NEXT MORNING. SNEAKY'S SUGGESTION TO YOU IS TO ENJOY YOURSELF... AND THAT MEANS WITH YOUR FAVORITE ADULT BEVERAGE. WITH MY EXTENSIVE DRINKING EXPERIENCE, LET ME GIVE YOU COMMON DRINKERS SOME WISE ADVISE TO HELP YOU COPE WITH ALL THE B.S. IN TODAY'S ENVIRONMENT...ESPECIALLY THAT NAGGING BAG!

SNEAKY's

DRINKING TIPS

DRINKING TIPS

SNEAKY'S DRINK TIP #1:

SNEAKY's

CONSUMING BEANS AND RICE AFTER A HEAVY NIGHT OF DRINKING HELPS ABSORB ANY EXCESS ALCOHOL REMAINING IN THE INTESTINAL TRACT. IT LETS YOU REBOUND FOR THE NEXT NIGHT OF DRINKING!

ALWAYS CONSEAL INCRIMINATING EVIDENCE WHENEVER NECESSARY, AND ESPECIALLY WHILE DRIVING!

SNEAKY'S

DRINK TIP #2:

SNEAKY'S DRINK TIP #3:

THE FASTER YOU CHUG, THE MORE BEER YOU CAN CONSUME BEFORE YOU REALIZE YOU'RE SLOSHED!

WHEN YOU ARE OUT IN THE SUN ENJOYING YOURSELF WITH A NICE COLD ONE, MAKE SURE IT IS EXTRA COLD, ESPECIALLY WHEN THE WEATHER IS UP AROUND THAT CENTURY MARK. ICY BEER GIVES THE DRINKER A WATERED DOWN SENSATION ALLOWING YOU TO CHUG MORE BEER IN LESS TIME. OH YES AND APPLY CLOWN SCREEN WITH AN SPF OF 30 OR MORE. YOU MIGHT GET A TAD BIT COMFORTABLE!

SNEAKY'S DRINK TIP ON: OVERHEATING

SNEAKY'S DRINK TIP ON: QUICK ONES

NO REASON YOU CAN'T SNEAK IN A QUICK ONE BEFORE YOU HAVE TO HIT THE ROAD SO ALWAYS KEEP A PORTABLE MARTINI SHAKER WITH YOU.

YEAH!

IF TIME DOESN'T PERMIT, OR IMPATIENCE SETS IN, JUST CHUG AND GO!

SNEAKY'S DRINK TIP ON: THE HOLIDAYS

THE HOLIDAYS CAN BE HECTIC, NOT ALLOWING ENOUGH TIME FOR PROPER BEVERAGE CONSUMPTION. SO MY ADVISE TO YOU IS WHEN EVERYONE IS SINGING HO-HO-HO, YOU CHUG-CHUG-CHUG!

SNEAKY'S DRINK TIP ON: HOLIDAYS #2

NO PAGEN RULE THAT SAYS GIFT APPRECIATION MUST BE EXPERIENCED ON DECEMBER 24TH OR 25TH! IF SPECIFIED GIFT LOOKS SPECIFICALLY INVITING, NO HARM IS DONE IF GIFT REMAINS SEMI-WRAPPED OR SEMI-CONSUMED, IF MASTERED WITH INTEGRITY AND TO NOT DEMEAN THE SITUATION... OR ESPECIALLY TO NOT EXPOSE YOUR ACTIONS FOR FUTURE WEE-HOURS OF PRIVATE, UNINTERRUPTED ENJOYMENT!

SNEAKY'S DRINK TIP ON:

DRINKING SAFETY

WE ALL WANT TO STAND AROUND AND HAVE A RELAXING DRINK OR TWO NOW AND THEN. BUT TAKE MY ADVICE, BE A "PORCH DRUNKEY"...DON'T STAND WHILE DRINKING THE STRAIGHT STUFF, OR YOU'LL END UP WITH TEETH LIKE MINE. BESIDES THAT WAY THERE IS LESS OF A CHANCE OF FALLING BACK AND BUSTIN' YOUR SKULL WHEN YOU HEAD NOD TO ALL THE CHICKS PASSING BY!

SNEAKY'S DRINK TIP ON: PROTOCOL

WHEN BEDDING DOWN IN A FOREIGN LANDSCAPE, MAKE SURE YOUR TOP PRIORITY IS CAPPING YOUR FINEST PROOF. THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN GIVING BACK TO NATURE WITHOUT FOLLOWING THE PROPER PROTOCOL. ALL WATERING OF SURROUNDING GREENS SHOULD NOT COMMENCE BEFORE BEING PROCESSED THROUGH THE BLADDER CONTROL DEPARTMENT!

SNEAKY'S DRINK TIP ON:

COMFORT(er)

WHEN YOU DO HAVE THE CREATURE COMFORTS AT YOUR DISPOSAL AND IT'S TIME TO CALL IT A NIGHT, THERE'S NO BETTER WAY TO GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP THEN TO DOZE OFF WITH SOMETHING YOU ARE MOST FAMILIAR AND COMFORTABLE WITH! YOU WILL WAKE UP FEELING REFRESHED KNOWING YOUR COMFORTER HAS BEEN BESIDE YOU ALL NIGHT. IF THIS BECOMES HABITUAL, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT YOU ROTATE ARMS EVERY OTHER NIGHT TO AVOID SORENESS OR BRUISING!

WHEN AT HOME, MANDATORY RULES WHEN DRINKING TO HIGH INTOXICATION LEVELS: 1) ALWAYS RETURN CAP TO BOOZE BOTTLE 2) FINISH ALL BOOZE IN THE GLASS AT HAND 3) TO AVOID MESSES, LAY DOWN PLASTIC ON ALL FURNITURE "BEFORE" DRINKING COMMENCES.

WHEN VISITING SOMEONE ELSE'S HOME, SCREW THE RULES!

SNEAKY'S DRINK TIP ON:

FURNITURE PROTECTION

THE MORNING AFTER A HEAVY NIGHT OF DRINKING, THERE WILL BE RHETORICAL QUESTIONS LIKE "WHERE'S MY WATCH AND WHAT THE HELL TIME IS IT"? OR "HOW'D I GET IN THIS ALLEY"? SINCE YOU WILL ALREADY BE FEELING LIKE CRAP, SAVE YOURSELF UNNECESSARY AGGREVATION BY TAKING A PRE-DRINKING SAFETY MEASURE: TAPE A NOTE TO YOUR TESTICLES ON EXACTLY WHERE YOU'LL BE PARKING YOUR CAR!

SNEAKY'S DRINK TIP ON:

RECOVERY PLANS

SNEAKY'S DRINK TIP ON:

SURROUNDINGS

WHEN YOU REALLY START TO FEEL THE BUZZ COMING ON, DIM THE LIGHTS. IT SETS THE MOOD TO CONTINUE ENJOYING YOUR FAVORITE BEVERAGE WITHOUT UNWANTED INTERFERENCE!

SNEAKY'S

DRINK TIP #4:

SNEAKY'S DRINK TIP ON: CLOSURE

AS THE EVENING WINDS DOWN AND YOUR JOURNEY INTO UNCONSCIOUSNESS BEGINS, IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT ALL OPENINGS AND ORIFICES REMAIN CLOSED AND TIGHTLY SEALED FOR FEAR OF UNWANTED ENTRY BY MULTI-LEGGED OR WINGED ORGANISMS. IT IS RECOMMENDED PROTEIN CONSUMPTION BE OBTAINED FROM OTHER SOURCES!

SNEAKY'S DRINK TIP ON:

SUPPORT GROUPS

WHEN THE CONSUMPTION OF CONSUMABLES THAT HAVE VARIOUS RAMIFICATIONS ON AGILITY AND SPEECH GETS TO BE CONSIDERED BY SOME AS EXCESSIVE, THE NEED FOR SUMMONING A SUPPORT GROUP MAY BECOME NECESSARY. WHEN THIS OCCURS, MAKE SURE SUPPORT GROUP CAN LEVERAGE YOU TO A SAFE DESTINATION AWAY FROM SHARP OBJECTS, HARD SURFACES AND UNFRIENDLY AUTHORITY TYPES. PREFERRED RELOCATION WOULD BE A HIGH STOOL ADJOINING A HIGH TABLE WHERE YOU CAN COMFORTABLY REST YOUR HEAD AND APPLY A COLD COMPRESS LIKE FROM THE OUTSIDE OF YOUR FAVORITE BOTTLE OR CAN OF CHOICE. CONTINUED INTERNAL COLD COMPRESSION MAY BE HELPFUL TOO BY WAY OF CLOWN THROAT!